


Jim Kirk's Adventures in Xenobiology

by dianekepler



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Awkward First Times, First Time, Humor, M/M, Sexual Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-27
Updated: 2013-05-25
Packaged: 2017-12-12 23:26:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,740
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/817285
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dianekepler/pseuds/dianekepler
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jim has been waiting to sleep with Spock for ages. Now he's going there. Although after he's become acquanited, maybe not so boldly?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> skyblue_reverie and therumjournals have posted some cracktastically delicious tales about AUs in which McCoy and Kirk (respectively) have junk of epic proportions. This prompted therumjournals, beta extraordinaire, to ask: what if it was Spock with the ginormous peen? Said question, of course, prompted this self-styled expert to exclaim "Once more unto the breach!"
> 
> skyblue_reverie and therumjournals get tip of the hat, as does janice_lester . You'll see why in part 2. Also, kudos to ewinfic and gabrihl for the sound effect.

"So no one’s ever seen it?" Jim's face was eager in the low light of his quarters. He'd dimmed them down to thirty instead of his usual ten percent because he didn't want to miss anything. 

"No one." 

"What about kids in the shower or something?"

"Vulcans do not shower. We also learn to control such physical reactions before formal education begins."

Jim leaned in for another kiss, loving the feel of Spock's tongue. It was raspy, like a cat's and Jim’s whole mouth tingled with all the fun it'd been having. His XO was also a total virgin. This meant no one had ever gotten a look at the mysterious entity that Spock, on the night Kirk had first introduced him to hot chocolate, had referred to as his _o'ha'did --_ a Vulcan word that Jim later learned meant "apparatus". 

The captain grinned. It was good to be James T. Kirk. 

"Gonna show me?" 

Spock made a purring sound as he swept two parallel fingers along Jim's torso, kissing him in the Vulcan manner. Their emotions fed back on one another, passion and heat growing in a way that made Jim impatient, even clumsy with Spock's pants. So the first officer left off kissing long enough to undo his own trousers and part the fly. Then he went back to trailing his mouth along the top of Kirk's shoulder and the side of his neck, tasting with his raspy-soft tongue as Jim pushed his erection even harder into Spock's questing hand. 

Jim's fingers were on the move. They slipped inside Spock's underwear to find the genital slit that Spock had told him he'd encounter when they finally got to this point. Jim slid the pad of his middle finger along it and Spock hissed in pleasure. 

"Going to let it out for me?" Kirk whispered. His other hand was at the back of Spock’s neck, stroking the short hairs there. 

"You wish for me to . . . achieve an erection?" 

Hearing the way Spock's voice changed when he was turned on was hotter than anything yet.

"Yeah," the captain whispered into the shell of one pointed ear, "Want to see all of you. No more hard-to-get tonight, please."

So Spock did . . .  

which caused Jim, in his desire to back up and see everything at once, to fall right off the bed. 

It was due as much the sound effect, something like an umbrella opening, as the sheer dimensions of what expanded out into his hand. Jim’s mind reeled. Very quickly he came to the realization that Spock had what was quite possibly the biggest goddamn crank in the Alpha Quadrant.   

Spock sat up and leaned over. "Are you injured?"

Jim poked his head up like a prairie dog and assessed the situation from this new angle. His first instinct had been correct. This was undoubtedly the biggest fuck-pole Jim had ever seen -- and that included vids. Jim had come by his playboy reputation honestly so he knew a one-eyed monster when one looked him in the eye. And while he'd been prepared for anatomical differences, Spock had provided no clue about the immensity of what they were supposed to be dealing with. 

It was at eye level now that Jim was on the floor and this induced a little vertigo. It was beautiful, of course. Like the rest of Spock, his erection was lithe and tapered, with a graceful curve that Jim's mouth water and his lips twitch. To say nothing of the scent that was rising off of Spock now -- rare, like exotic spices. He didn't think Vulcan pheromones were supposed to work on humans but damn and double damn if Jim wasn't ready to just slide that plum of a dickhead past his lips right now just to see how much he could take.  

Then he reconsidered. They'd planned to have Spock top Jim, since the latter was more experienced, but that was before this unexpected . . . development? Over-development? It was hard to say for sure. 

Spock tilted his head. "Is there some difficulty?" 

“No no, it’s all good.” Jim and got up even as he continued to stare. He knew it was rude, but this had to be one the most surprising events in the whole five-year mission. Kirk wasn't religious, so he never blasphemed, but  _Jesus_.  

"Spock, we, um. Here, can I . . . touch you?" 

Spock nodded. Slowly. 

Jim sat back down. He began to reach out but then hesitated when something clicked. Fuck. Spock’s joint was literally bigger than Jim brain dared think about. Only when there was something to provide scale did the true extent of Spock's _lirpa_ (another Vulcan word meaning weapon of traditional combat) become clear. Still, Jim hadn't become captain of the Enterprise by shying away from scary situations, so he took hold of it. However, Spock didn't respond with a hiss or a push of his lips like maybe JIm had hoped. 

"The appearance of my _li-wun_ has shocked you." It was a euphemism for a relic comparable to an old-Earth lance. Kirk had snickered when he'd first heard it, just two nights ago when they were planning these shenanigans. But now, faced with the reality, the word was startlingly appropriate. 

"Aw c’mon Spock. Shock _me_?" 

His tone was like ice. "You are aware that I can sense a lie through _any_ type of dermal contact?" 

"Fuck." Kirk let go as if scalded. Spock was now looking at him with an eyebrow hiked up to somewhere dangerous. Vulcans didn't lie and having one of them catch you at it was as bad as -- well, Jim didn't even want to think about what it was as bad as. It was probably so bad that it had last occurred before the time before Surak. 

"You will explain," Spock growled. 

Was that Jim’s imagination or did his lover’s eyes just flash like the eyes of a predator? He got off the bed, spotting his long-sleeved undershirt as he stepped into his boots. "Uh, tell you what, just wait here and I'll be back in a second."

"You will tell me why, in this intimate moment, you have chosen to --" 

"I'll be right back, I swear."

Shirt, on. Zippers, up. Hand through his hair, smoothing it. Jim ran his tongue across his lips. Would it look like he'd been kissing ravenously to anyone who passed him in the halls? Probably. But there was no other choice. He had to - 

"Jim -"

But the door to the captain's quarters had already swooshed closed.


	2. Chapter 2

"Jim, what the-"

"Bones, you've got to help me." Jim was trying to catch his breath. He'd hauled the doctor out of medbay into one of the consulting rooms without so much as a word.

"What's going on? Aren't you supposed to be-"

"Shhh," Jim glanced sideways at the door. "He'll hear you."

McCoy frowned another wrinkle into his forehead. "Christ, Jim. Did you get a case of Talaxian heebie-jeebies on your last away mission?"

"No, it's Spock. He -" Jim swallowed. He wet his lips. "Okay, give me a second. I need to calm down."

McCoy gave him one second exactly. Then he came in so fast that Kirk backed up and bumped into the desk behind him. "Goddammit. Now I don't care if, after this, you bust me down to triage nurse on the leakiest ship in the fleet -- you listen here."

Jim might have said "eep". He wasn't sure.

"I have heard," and McCoy sank a finger into Jim's pec, "way more than I've needed to about every step in your plan to get Spock into bed. At work. Over dinner. When we're drinking. On away missions, for Christ's sake. You talked over every single thing I had to say about how it wasn't a good idea. But no, you had to go after your genetic miracle like he was the goddamn Kobayashi Maru. And now you show up in the middle of my medbay, all fired up about some part of Vulcan physiology you didn't take the time to understand."

"Bones, I read everything. We even talked, I swear."

McCoy was cut off by the door sliding open to reveal what appeared to be Spock. Except it wasn't -- it was some kind of doppelgänger-Spock who was almost out of patience. There was no hint of emotion on his face, but both Kirk and McCoy had worked with him long enough. They just knew.

"Captain."

"Spock, how did you -"

"I calculated a 75.3 percent probability that you would seek out Dr. McCoy upon leaving your quarters. Also, the words 'Vulcan physiology' overheard prior to my entrance indicated that the discussion is indeed one to which I should be privy."

"Well I sure as hell don't need to be privy," McCoy grumbled as he made for the door.

"Doctor." Spock wasn't moving and McCoy wasn't about to get any closer to that barely-suppressed storm of Vulcan rage. "I would appreciate your assistance in securing the captain's," and his eyes accused Kirk, "cooperation. He has been . . . reluctant to communicate."

McCoy, bemused, looked at both of them. "What happened between you two?"

The first officer arched a lean brow. "I am uncertain. After we agreed to an intimate encounter, the captain left his quarters very quickly , coming directly here."

Here, McCoy narrowed his eyes at Jim, with a look that said: I don't need to be hearing this -- especially not in the goddamn Vulcan monotone. But his answer was for Spock. "Can you stop calling him 'the captain' for five minutes?"

"That is his title."

"Forget titles. If we're talking about your personal business then it's Jim and it's Leonard. Goddamn formalisms just get in the way."

"If you believe it would help."

McCoy glared. With two strides he was at the door console, where he hit the soundproofing on the little room. Then he really let go.

"You two are beyond help! Do you know that half the ship has bets on when you're finally gonna get it on? I had a fifth of Kentucky's finest set aside for tomorrow, or whenever I finally saw that stupid grin on Jim's face. I want that drink! And I _want_ some peace and quiet!"

Kirk and Spock glanced at one another.

"That's right, everybody knows. And now your deranged need," McCoy pointed at Spock, "to deny your human half and Jim's asinine habit of looking before leaping has gotten you another situation. So okay boys, out with it. Apparently I'm the goddamn marriage counselor now, too."

"Bones." Jim was sheepish. "I'm sorry."

"I also apologize," Spock went into parade rest with his hands clasped behind him. "We were selfish to involve you."

"Damn right you were. But you've started it and now you'll talk if it's the last thing I ever hear. Spock," McCoy pinned him with a hard look. "I'm counting on a clear explanation. "

The science officer a breath, tugging once at the hem of his shirt. "I am not entirely certain. We had initiated foreplay. When we were almost fully undressed, the cap- Jim removed himself from his quarters, citing pressing business."

McCoy rounded on Jim with a fierce expression. "What pressing business could possibly keep you away from that?"

"I beg your pardon?" Spock asked mildly.

"Spock!" McCoy heaved a long-suffering sigh. "You're good-looking, all right? You know the other half of the ship, the one that hasn't placed bets? They think you're sex on legs and don't want to entertain the idea of Jim-but-not-them getting a crack at you."

Spock blinked, once, in his alien way. "I was unaware."

"Of course you were. It's just one of many reason why Jim can't resist you. Although if he left you high and dry in his very own room . . . ”

Again McCoy rounded on his friend. “What the hell was that about?"

"I told him I'd be back." the captain looked between them. "Spock, tell him I told you."

"Yes. But you provided no explanation and were agitated when you left."

"I was not agitated." Jim huffed it out, crossing his arms.

"Do not lie about this again." Spock glared at him with a set jaw. The last time Jim had seen that expression, there'd been choking -- no chickens involved.

McCoy was aghast. "You turned him on, you lied to him, and then you left!?"

"I had to see you!"

"Good god, man, why?!"

"Because Spock has the biggest elephant dick in Federation space and I needed lube! Medical grade! Lots of it!"

At this point, McCoy stared, Spock stared, and Jim stared at both of them, chest heaving.

"Doctor," Spock said. His voice was like long, low growl from a cave. "It would be convenient for you to leave now."

McCoy seemed suddenly glad he wasn't Leonard anymore. "Spock, don't -"

"I will not harm him. But the captain must understand that leaving me in a state of arousal, without explanations or false onese," and in one motion Spock had Jim by the bicep, "is not particularly wise."

"Oh-kayy then," McCoy started backing towards door. 

"Spock, I just needed backup. The lube I have isn't -- I mean, the glitter just seemed wrong for the situation, and --" Jim turned to look at Bones and even called out to him. But the hiss of the door closing was the only answer he got.

"Spock, hey listen, I'm sorry. I was too embarrassed that -"

"It is past time for apologies." The first officer collared Jim, pulled him in so that their chests thumped together and he was purring into the Jim's ear. He slid a hand between them. With a snap and a zip, Spock was pushing Kirk's pants down around his hips and working Kirk's hot length back to its earlier state of hardness. 

Kirk groaned into Spock's shoulder. He sucked at his neck. A rapid pulse was vibrating there and the skin was silky-hot. Then he was saying hello to the cool white surface of the desk once he'd been spun and guided down.  A part of his brain sensed danger, but it was getting shouted down by all the other parts. This was Jim Kirk's brain after all.

"I'm, uh, going to be okay after this, right?"

Spock's voice was strained with arousal. "Do not doubt me."

"But it won't -"

"I assure you, we are anatomically compatible." And then that sound again, of Spock extending, and the feel of him, hot and slick against Jim's butt-crease. Jim made a sound into the knuckle he was chewing on. It might have been "fuck, yes."

A pair of fingers, slick with Spock's natural lube, worked their way inside him. "It is advisable to relax."

"How can I relax, when you're going to put that astronomical unit up my --"

"Jim," Spock was as stern as he'd been on that day Kirk made acting captain. "The stimulation to my fingers is intense. We must proceed with intercourse immediately."

Kirk, half-silly with lust and apprehension, called out to a helmsman that wasn't there. "Sulu! Set intercourse for gamma quadrant!" Then he yelled as he felt Spock slide in.

Except it wasn't painful. Not at all.

Jim blinked. He craned his neck until he was looking behind him. Spock was hip-deep, standing with his eyes closed and a face full of pleasure. Somehow it was all okay. Jim found he could easily tense and relax his muscles. A little roll of his hips evoked a sound from Spock that sent electricity down Jim's spine.

"Spock?"

"Mmmm." The Vulcan was running his fingers over soft skin, luxuriating in the feel of Jim inside and out. "You can, uh, move if you want."

"Acknowledged."

Goddamn that was hot! Jim wondered how he'd ever be able to maintain his composure the next time Spock said that on the bridge. Then his XO started to fuck him and the rhythm alone was enough to drive every thought of what might happen in the future right out of Jim's mind. Jim pushed against the gentle rocking. He took Spock's clean hand and sucking at his fingers, sending thoughts of harder, yes, more, through every point of contact just in case the telepathic messages were ambiguous in any way.

"You want more?"

"Yes." Jim gasped. But Spock didn't move faster or push harder. What he did was expand in both length and in diameter, stilling his hips and going slowly so Jim would feel it and understand

At which point Jim's eyes went wide. Because, win. And awesome.


End file.
